becoming

I’ve been slacking on myself lately. My creative, proactive self, that is. It’s easy to do when life takes an unexpected turn. Last year, I was excited to be recording my music videos and playing small shows here and there. I was excited to play the open mic down the street from me every Sunday. I practiced. I promoted. I planned. I was healing. I’m still healing.

So, what’s changed? A lot. I’m now an aunt which I thought would never happen. It may not sound that big to some but, I have only one sibling and we’re very close. This kid changes everything. Everything is new and fresh. It’s a new generation and it’s exciting. 

I also fell in love. Hard. I had to make some very hard decisions. I had to learn to respect my own boundaries. I’ve had to forgive in very big ways….which I’m still working on. Forgiveness comes after indifference. My self-worth has taken quite a beating throughout the years from trying to make something “work” that just couldn’t be. I’m learning to trust again and respect the time that that takes. 

I learned when to walk away. I learned how to clean up a mess after painting oneself into a corner.

I’m also having to accept that there are people who are angry with me and that is out of my control. I also have to realize to not take things too personally. The anger with some of these people is misdirected. It’s all a matter of control and I am in control of none of it. 

I also find it hard to not be very open and candid. In my opinion, those are virtues. I much prefer candor over discretion. I’m not a very private person because I feel I have nothing to hide but, not everyone is like that and that needs to be respected. It’s sometimes difficult for me to understand. Being discreet is a new challenge for me.

It’s hard but, life flows on.

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So, this holiday season, I’ll be staying in LA with my love. We’ll be nesting into our apartment and finding our domestic rhythm. I’ve been purging closets and getting rid of just stuff…you know like, stuff….unnecessary stuff. Making room. 

We’ll be booking some duo gigs - just vibes and vocals - at some of our local haunts. My songs, Nick’s originals, and lots of covers and standards. Mainly left-of-center covers. Sparse arrangements that leave lot’s of room for breath and expression. I LOVE singing, especially when I leave the playing part up to someone incredibly capable like Nick. That way I can really focus on expressing the vocals as I like. 

Once all of the nesting and domesticating feels calm and in good rhythm, it’s game-on for my project.

Yes! I have a project. I will be recording my songs in the new year. Nick will be doing the arranging along with me and I have some amazing players who’ll be helping to give these songs magical life. 

At the moment, we’re recording my newest song, “Triangle”. There is talk of doing a new video for it in December. 

It’s been interesting the way these songs have come to existence. When I first started writing songs (about 8 years ago) I had this grand idea of a concept album. I wanted to call it “Human Becoming”. All of my songs form a timeline of my life. They transition from phase to phase. I had read in a quantum physics book about “becoming” as in, we are always becoming, not being. 

Basically, in a romanticized way of putting it: 

Human Becoming is freely choosing personal meaning in situations in the intersubjective process of living value priorities. Man’s reality is given meaning through lived experiences.

So, that’s been interesting for me to have arrived back at that idea I thought of almost 10 years ago. It’s nice to make that a reality. I can hardly relate to the young woman I was then, now. It was a lifetime ago.

Song-writing for me has been therapeutic. I only write when I need to express something. I’ve only ever completed 5 songs. EVER. I’m not worried, in the least, that I’ll ever write again. I just don’t like working on something that isn’t fully inspiring me. When the song is ready to be born, it will come as have all the ones before it have. It’s not necessarily a career. That’s been difficult to explain to colleagues and myself. It’s nice that I can make some money from gigs but, otherwise, I’m just an “artsy-fartsy-self-indulgent hippy”. 

I’m being dramatic. 

Anywho, I’m excited to get this project rolling. I’m excited to move forward. I’m excited to become.