I’m itching to write. Not sure what I want to write about but, if I just start typing, it all comes out in some sort of spontaneous combustion revealing more to me than journaling or a therapy session does.
I’m so very happy. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, actually and I’m sure I’ll come across the same struggle for years to come - such is life, no?
Yet, there is still this underlying woe.
What I lack is drive. The one thing I’ve always been passionate about in life is music. Everyday I hear symphonies in my head - so many ideas are constantly flooding my mind yet, I have no desire to actually sit down and flesh them out. Why? Fear that I will not have all the tools I need to match my grandiose ideas? Perfectionism? Laziness? Responsibility to my craft and art i.e.: standing behind what I’ve created, proudly? Worrying about getting too caught up in/jaded by the “business”?
……yeah…..all of those things.
I’ve been living in the LA area for a year now and I am surrounded, I mean absolutely surrounded by so many amazing musicians and creative, driven minds. It’s so incredibly inspiring and overwhelming. Now, I’m not talking about the overwhelming feelings I had when I first moved to CA (anyone who’s moved here knows that that first year is ROUGH)….I’m talking about being so inspired everyday, all day by my colleagues that I end up feeling like I can hardly process anything at all. Maybe I need to take a little sabbatical? But, you see, I don’t want to miss anything.
The overall feeling I’ve had the last 6 months or so is that of, “meh….”. I still love playing music and I love collaborating with people but, I just don’t have any drive to pursue it like I did just a couple of years ago. All of a sudden, I have this massive support and encouragement from peers, family, friends, and fans, and I’m sitting here scratching my head going, “huh.” No spark. I’m being given opportunities left and right yet I feel inadequate.
It all just seems kind of moot until I realize that there’s nothing else I want in life. I just want to be involved with music until my ears bleed. I want to be creative everyday and not get caught up in the “business” of it all. SO artistic, I know.
I have plans. The goal right now is to initiate them. I just pray that the drive will come. Maybe it never will but, at least I will have tried.
OK. So there you have it. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to share her goals or plans till they are fully baked but, maybe this is what needs to be done.
Hold me to it.