I’m experiencing some very, very odd symptoms. Irritability, shooting pain in my shoulder, stomach cramps, restlessness, cold symptoms, rapid weight-loss, an unfocused mind, and anxiety.
I think to myself, “what the crap?! I thought we were done with all of this anxiety fooey!”
I sat for a good while yesterday and listened to myself and what my body was trying to tell me whilst taking shit tons of vitamins and supplements to try to counteract. It became very clear to me that these symptoms are psychosomatic.
This week, today in fact, I start recording my EP. I wrote these songs almost 3 years ago now. I dreamt of this moment 10 years ago when I was sitting in my dorm room at OKCU contemplating the life I really wanted. I was a completely different person and all I hoped and strived for was this moment right here.
Well, here it is. I’m staring it right in the face…. and my body is retaliating without consulting me. Disconnected.
I realize that I never thought beyond this EP. The EP was the goal. I kind of toyed with some ideas but never with the gravity that the EP received. This goal has been my driving force. It has become my meaning. It’s kept me from being bored and kept me engaged. Do you notice the operative word here?…. KEPT…. not “keep”. It’s past tense. This is no more. The last 10 years of my life were spent planning and hoping for this moment. It is the end of an era.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy and excited about this and I’m going to push through whether my ego wants me to or not.
Yep, this is an ego issue. The ego’s function is to protect you from your impulsive id. It uses defense mechanisms to protect you from the threatening impulses. On the other side of this project is the unknown. Something I have not dealt with in a long time. The ego is concerned with the future therefore it keeps you in the past only every so often deciding when its overstayed it’s welcome and allows you to move on “safely”.
But I just want to be here and present, happy to be making my fracking EP and enjoying every moment of it but, my ego is sabotaging my body. It wants to keep me in this limbo that it’s kept me in for 10 years now. My rational superego knows better though. I know that I’m going to be just fine and that the future will have plenty of wonderful and “safe” opportunities for me to choose from.
So, what do I do now? Well, I’m dosing myself up on mass quantities of Vitamin C, I’m stretching and breathing, I’m doing reality checks about every minute or so, writing all of this down (here), talking through this with Nick, weekly emotional detoxing with a specialist, and meditating.
I already feel better for having shared this. Talk therapy has always been very helpful for me…what can I say? I’m an open book! I also feel better for having shared this in the hopes that maybe someone reading can take something away from it. That makes me feel very good.
It’s time to let go of this. I’ve been hoarding this project for too long now. These songs deserve a proper home in other people’s ears and not my spirit any longer. They were created to help me process and understand and I hope they will continue to do just that for others once they are released from me.